Spotting abusive men dating
Does your date not value your time, or your presence? And if they're not on their phone, but they're just not there, mentally, that's just as bad. A person who is rude to servers, bar tenders, and other service workers is not a nice person.This is a really good insight into your date's personality.As a former Domestic Violence Victim Advocate and Planned Parenthood Certified Responsibility Educator, the group sessions I lead about how people got involved with their bad partners usually ended with some version of "I should have seen it from that first date" or "I should have trusted my instincts." Because abusive tendencies and jerk behaviors tend to peek out in tiny ways, even in the very beginning.They can be subtle, so no shame if you missed the signs that were pointing you in the face. But just in case you need a little bit of a road map, here are some things to look out for. Check It Out: Red Flags, , Amazon I don't like to be the romance police, because if someone seems too good to be true, maybe they really are the one for you.
Does he disapprove if you are away for too long (for instance when you go to the powder room)?
Is he pressing you for exclusivity, instant intimacy, almost rapes you and acts jealous when you as much as cast a glance at another male?
Does he inform you that, once you get hitched, you should abandon your studies or resign your job (forgo your personal autonomy)? Does he ignore your wishes (for instance, by choosing from the menu or selecting a movie without as much as consulting you)?
Not that there's shame in any of these issues, and I'm a classic vagina story teller, but, you know, maybe learn my name first, and let me order dinner first? If your date says something like "you're not one of those feminists, are you? Either they're a good, but just slightly misguided person, or they have some deep-seeded woman hating in their souls. It's the date where you get to know each other a little bit, because, and this should be obvious, you don't know each other that well (exceptions apply, of course). And maybe smug in a way you can't put your finger on.
And, are you going to be like this when I introduce you to my mom? Listen to the way they speak about other women in their lives for clues about which one you're dealing with. It's not typically the date where you declare your undying love, talk about your future children, or even say things like "I bet we're going to get married." I just anxiety vomited in my mouth a little from typing that. Or maybe just an attitude about everything, like they can't be bothered, they're bored, they're wasting their time, or you're not interesting at all.
Bad dates suck, but they're good for creating the kinds of tales you tell your squad over cocktails while you laugh-cringe.